Thursday, January 21, 2016

Holding On vs. Letting Go

Well the title of this blog tonight sums up what I anticipate to be a life long issue for myself.  I can tell when to flip an egg over in the frying pan to have the white part cooked and the yellow part gooey still; but where some people are concerned I have trouble making a call.  I hold on way too long.
I don't like letting go.  Why should I?  Letting go sucks!  So I hold on too tight or for too long and I ruin things.  I think maybe if this person knows that someone cares about them, it will help them.  Everyone needs to know that someone cares!  But some aren't ready to accept that - because it opens themselves up for hurt if they care back and something goes wrong.  And something will go wrong.  Something will always go wrong; because people are people and they let you down.  I know I let others down.  I know I've hurt others.  It isn't intentional.  It's just that I'm me and they are them and we think and process things differently.
I know I've been hurt and I've been let down.  Over time I've been working on the practice of reminding myself that most of the hurt and let down that I feel is unintentional.  Just because I'm hurt, doesn't mean it is the other person's fault.  I try (after the initial blow of course) to take a step back and really analyze intentions.  It makes it much easier to forgive, to move on, maybe let go if needed, and to establish boundaries.
My problem is that when I am the one who screwed up, then I go too far to try and fix things.  I can't just apologize and walk away to let the other person have space.  I want to know, are they ok?  Is there anything else I can do?  Can I say anything else to make it better?
I'm pushy.  I'm relentless.  I forget to not feel every emotion magnified by 1000.  I'm human.  I mess up.  I hold on too tight - that's me.
Tonight I am thankful for holding on.  Although it doesn't always work out for the happiest endings in life, I know at the end of the day that I did all that I could in most circumstances.  I guess I'd rather have it that way than to let go too soon and second guess that I could have done more.  I'm only mildly thankful for letting go . . . I still think it sucks . . . but I know sometimes it's just time.


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