Sunday, January 31, 2016

If You're Reading This

Most of the heartbreak songs on the radios have to do with relationships or death.  Have you ever noticed that?  I think in the course of life so far, I have suffered more heartbreak from distance from loved ones that aren't dead and that aren't a significant other type person.
When loved ones have died, there is the reassurance that they are in a better place, that their suffering is over, and that they still know they are loved.  That doesn't lessen the grief.  But it is something of value.
When loved ones stop talking, what is there to do?  I won't compromise who I am because a loved one can't see the real me.  I will just be here, hoping and praying that some day they remember who I am.  I pray that they remember that I mean them no harm, no ill-will, no sadness.  All I want for them is love and happiness.  But I won't turn myself in to a doormat for them to keep them in my life.
At least five times in my life now I have had someone very, very dear to me move away from me (metaphorically).  Each one of these times, I have not yelled or threatened or hated.  Yet, I hear from others that the other party says that I hate them, that I hope they'll fail, that I don't want to see them.  But these are not things that I've said.
I think it is easier to be mad at me and blame me, then it is to come and talk to me.  There were misunderstandings.  Maybe I said something wrong.  Maybe I didn't say enough.  But I can't fix it by myself.  And I won't grovel for the chance to fix it together.  I will ask for that chance.  I have asked for that chance - an open ended lunch invitation two years ago, my treat.  But I won't beg.  It's not pride.  It's respect.  Respect for myself to handle this on mutual ground.  And respect for my loved one to expect that they can meet me on this mutual ground.
If you're reading this, I know you are thinking of making some big life changes.  No one has wished unhappiness on you.  No one is celebrating at your sadness.  We are here, praying for you, loving you, and wishing you could see that our hearts are pure when we say we care about you.  Please make your next decisions with both your head and your heart.  There is a world out there ready to take advantage of you. And your heart's so big that you want to believe the best of everyone.  Look at the facts.  God gave you a heart and a mind to use equally and in conjunction.  If you believe that what is in your heart is real, then time won't change that.  So take some time.  Take some time by yourself.  Search your own soul.  And use your own logic.  No matter where you go, or what you'll do, I'll always love you.  And I'll always pray for you.
Tonight I am thankful for the chance that maybe the eyes and heart that weigh heavy in my heart tonight will read this and hear what I am saying.  And even there is no call or no text, maybe there will be understanding that love never changes, never fails, never turns away, and never ends.  And I will always, always, always be here if you need me.

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