Something I've recently discovered is that the way I see myself is not entirely accurate as to who I am. I actually realized that while writing some things in this blog about my past and while watching my children - who act a lot like me sometimes.
I've classified myself as shy when I was little. And I was to a point. But I don't think I was as shy as I remember. I was quiet. I'd rather listen to people and gauge my surroundings and the people in them. But when I had something to say, I would say it. I think of times like when I was in 2nd grade and threatened a high schooler on the bus because he was mean. I remember when I was in elementary school and threatened to beat up a boy two years older than me because he was picking on my big brother . . . mom asked me not to do that one again, apparently that wasn't good for my brother . . oops! I had my moments. Moments of strength - I wrote bravery there and deleted it because I didn't feel brave. I just did what should be done.
So I was quiet and bold. I now think that fits my littler self better than shy.
One thing I've always known though, is that I am good alone. I like people. And I know where to find people when I have had enough alone time. But I need that alone time. I thrive in it. And most organized group activities make me cringe. I went to a fundraising dinner recently and put forth great effort for that. It was fun night, don't get me wrong. But that will never be my scene.
I like to be alone. Or with animals. I like to be able to think my thoughts. I can't do that with people around. Those closest to me know that I over-think everything. And I am really ok with that. That's who I am. And that is how I eventually get to a truth or to an idea that wins out over others. I need that time to breathe and just be myself. And I need a lot of it.
With my alone time and my anxious uncomfortableness when around others, I don't always come across like I care about people, when I do. If I've met you, I care. If I've met you, I pray for you. And if you can pin me down long enough to have a conversation, I'll try to tell you. I don't always show it because I'm trying to figure out how to get to the back of the room and slip out the door. And I don't like talking on the phone much either.
So please remember, when I smile at you, it's a real smile. When I "like" your post on facebook, it's a true sentiment. When I don't wave at you - hey, I don't notice things, don't take it personal. I drove by my own daughter on the street on Thursday and didn't notice her.
When I say "Hi, how are you?" I really do want to know if you are ok. If I didn't want to know, believe me, I wouldn't ask. And when you're down, when you feel like no one cares, when you feel like you need a friend, when it's real, I care. Let me know. Message me. When it's bad, you can even call me. Stop over (don't be afraid of my pj's).
Tonight I am thankful for the knowledge that when life gets too rough here on Earth, that God has open arms for his children in Heaven. I am thankful for the chance to get to know my cousin Amye a little bit. I hope she knew I cared. I am thankful that her sadness is gone now and that she can have peace.