Saturday, March 19, 2016

Not Shy

Something I've recently discovered is that the way I see myself is not entirely accurate as to who I am.  I actually realized that while writing some things in this blog about my past and while watching my children - who act a lot like me sometimes.
I've classified myself as shy when I was little.  And I was to a point.  But I don't think I was as shy as I remember.  I was quiet.  I'd rather listen to people and gauge my surroundings and the people in them.  But when I had something to say, I would say it.  I think of times like when I was in 2nd grade and threatened a high schooler on the bus because he was mean.  I remember when I was in elementary school and threatened to beat up a boy two years older than me because he was picking on my big brother . . . mom asked me not to do that one again, apparently that wasn't good for my brother . . oops!  I had my moments.  Moments of strength - I wrote bravery there and deleted it because I didn't feel brave. I just did what should be done.
So I was quiet and bold.  I now think that fits my littler self better than shy.
One thing I've always known though, is that I am good alone.  I like people.  And I know where to find people when I have had enough alone time.  But I need that alone time.  I thrive in it.  And most organized group activities make me cringe.  I went to a fundraising dinner recently and put forth great effort for that.  It was fun night, don't get me wrong.  But that will never be my scene.
I like to be alone.  Or with animals.  I like to be able to think my thoughts.  I can't do that with people around.  Those closest to me know that I over-think everything.  And I am really ok with that.  That's who I am.  And that is how I eventually get to a truth or to an idea that wins out over others.  I need that time to breathe and just be myself.  And I need a lot of it.
With my alone time and my anxious uncomfortableness when around others, I don't always come across like I care about people, when I do.  If I've met you, I care. If I've met you, I pray for you.  And if you can pin me down long enough to have a conversation, I'll try to tell you.  I don't always show it because I'm trying to figure out how to get to the back of the room and slip out the door.  And I don't like talking on the phone much either.
So please remember, when I smile at you, it's a real smile.  When I "like" your post on facebook, it's a true sentiment.  When I don't wave at you - hey, I don't notice things, don't take it personal.  I drove by my own daughter on the street on Thursday and didn't notice her.
When I say "Hi, how are you?"  I really do want to know if you are ok.  If I didn't want to know, believe me, I wouldn't ask.  And when you're down, when you feel like no one cares, when you feel like you need a friend, when it's real, I care.  Let me know.  Message me.  When it's bad, you can even call me.  Stop over (don't be afraid of my pj's).
Tonight I am thankful for the knowledge that when life gets too rough here on Earth, that God has open arms for his children in Heaven.  I am thankful for the chance to get to know my cousin Amye a little bit.  I hope she knew I cared.  I am thankful that her sadness is gone now and that she can have peace.

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