Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Whitesnake

Once upon a time I was hopeless.  I was scared.  I was anxious.  I wished with all my might that I could change life, but I couldn't.  I was a child.  I was broken.  My faith in love was shattered.  My self-worth was gone.  My heart was broken.  God had an angel here to walk with me.  I call her Mom.
I was getting stronger.  I had faith again.  I still didn't believe in love though, not the kind that people dreamed about.  That wasn't my dream.  I didn't want it.  It was too much heartache.  Too much pain.  I'd rather be alone.  God had an angel here to show me unconditional love.  I call him Mark.
I was tortured.  I was starting to believe in love, but I still didn't want it.  I cried the day I realized I was in love.  I never wanted that.  I never wanted him.  I had built my plans where I would be safe and where I wouldn't get hurt.  God had an angel here to show me that love is worth the pain.  I call him my husband.
I was heartbroken.  It was over.  The pain that I knew would inevitably come, had came.  I had no faith in "us".  I had no desire to try ever again.  God had four angels here to show me that love is forgiving and healing and stronger than myself.  I call these angels my children.
Some days now there are times when life tries to run me over.  I know sometimes I am partly to blame.  Sometimes I not though, too.
Today was getting to me.  Yesterday started it.  I'm so close to something here.  But I've been so close for so long now.  I just can't seem to get the extra oomph to get where I'm going.  I push harder and harder and harder.  And it's just never enough.  Today I almost broke.  I felt the tears brimming because I just may not be enough this time.  Then I stopped.
I sat down to write this blog and my first sentence came out.  Then the next, then the next, then the next.  And I read what I was writing.  The truth is so clear.  No, I'm really not enough.  I never have been.  But I've never been alone.  God is always here - and he is always enough.  The times when I would have broke, and the times when I did break, those were times when God could do the most.  My favorite of all times has always been Footprints - the times when there were one set of footprints in the sand, it is those times that God carries us . . if we let him.
Tonight I am renewed, exhausted and renewed.  And I am thankful for that.  The extra oomph I've been pushing for isn't my own.  I don't know why I don't remember that from trial to trial.  But I remember it now and that is enough.  Here I go again, not on my own . . . sorry Whitesnake, I like this version better.

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