Once upon a time I was hopeless. I was scared. I was anxious. I wished with all my might that I could change life, but I couldn't. I was a child. I was broken. My faith in love was shattered. My self-worth was gone. My heart was broken. God had an angel here to walk with me. I call her Mom.
I was getting stronger. I had faith again. I still didn't believe in love though, not the kind that people dreamed about. That wasn't my dream. I didn't want it. It was too much heartache. Too much pain. I'd rather be alone. God had an angel here to show me unconditional love. I call him Mark.
I was tortured. I was starting to believe in love, but I still didn't want it. I cried the day I realized I was in love. I never wanted that. I never wanted him. I had built my plans where I would be safe and where I wouldn't get hurt. God had an angel here to show me that love is worth the pain. I call him my husband.
I was heartbroken. It was over. The pain that I knew would inevitably come, had came. I had no faith in "us". I had no desire to try ever again. God had four angels here to show me that love is forgiving and healing and stronger than myself. I call these angels my children.
Some days now there are times when life tries to run me over. I know sometimes I am partly to blame. Sometimes I not though, too.
Today was getting to me. Yesterday started it. I'm so close to something here. But I've been so close for so long now. I just can't seem to get the extra oomph to get where I'm going. I push harder and harder and harder. And it's just never enough. Today I almost broke. I felt the tears brimming because I just may not be enough this time. Then I stopped.
I sat down to write this blog and my first sentence came out. Then the next, then the next, then the next. And I read what I was writing. The truth is so clear. No, I'm really not enough. I never have been. But I've never been alone. God is always here - and he is always enough. The times when I would have broke, and the times when I did break, those were times when God could do the most. My favorite of all times has always been Footprints - the times when there were one set of footprints in the sand, it is those times that God carries us . . if we let him.
Tonight I am renewed, exhausted and renewed. And I am thankful for that. The extra oomph I've been pushing for isn't my own. I don't know why I don't remember that from trial to trial. But I remember it now and that is enough. Here I go again, not on my own . . . sorry Whitesnake, I like this version better.