Sunday, August 14, 2016

Not Feeling It

On Friday, we lost my husband's grandma.  It is hard to write about things like that sometimes, because it's hard to find something to be thankful for.
Yes, she isn't in pain anymore.  Yes, she is reunited with her husband again.  But I don't Feel thankful for those things.
But, ya know what?  When I first started this blog, the purpose was to find something to be thankful for; thankful enough to write lots of words about it.  At that point in my life, I knew I had lots of good things, but I didn't Feel thankful for them.  There was so much bad along with the good, that I had a hard time feeling blessed.  I knew I was though.  I knew it.
It's hard when there are things that you know to be true; but you don't feel them.  It would be nice if your mind and your heart lined up with every thing that comes along in life.  But it doesn't happen that way.  In fact, maybe it shouldn't happen that way.  And that is why God gave us these things as separate gifts; because the mind and the heart each have their own strengths, but still shouldn't be given free reign in our lives individually.
So tonight I'm sitting at a desk, in a hotel room, in Chicago with my daughter and her Girl Scout troop.  They'd been planning this trip for over a year.  Grandma would have wanted Elaina to go.  We will be back in time for the funeral.  And although I'm not feeling it, I will be thankful that she is not in pain anymore.  The reality is that she was in pain for a long time, so the relief is good.
And the truth is that she is reunited with her husband again.  She lost him last year.  Decades of marriage and life together, and she was left alone.  The reality is that being reunited is a good thing for her.
Tonight I will be thankful for putting aside feelings and reminding myself of the things to be thankful for with life right now.  I am thankful that we could still do this Chicago trip and be back for the funeral.  I am thankful that Grandma is in peace now.  And I am thankful that we had a good day today exploring the Windy City.

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