Monday, December 26, 2016

What He's Done To You

I know how you are feeling.  I want you to know that I see you there.  And I know how you feel.
You feel so many things right now: hurt, anger, sadness, and questions, so many questions that you can't even phrase them all.
There are people in your life that should care and that should love you above all else.  The words are there, you hear the words.  "I love you" is nice to hear.  But it is empty when you don't feel it.
You question yourself.  Why aren't you loved more?  How could he leave?  He says you are loved.  If he loved you, like he should love you; then this wouldn't have happened.  He wouldn't be so far away.  He wouldn't have a new family again.  You wouldn't feel replaced, unvalued, unspecial, and unloved.  You wonder why you aren't enough for him to love you like he should.
I want to tell you right now that it is not you.  It is not you at all dear girl.  I've been where you are.  I've felt what you are feeling.  And I hope you learn that it is not you.
You are told to be understanding.  That people make these decisions in life and that you have to accept it.  But it doesn't make sense to your heart.  Your heart doesn't want to understand it.  And it shouldn't make sense to your heart.  Your heart is not wrong to be broken.  He should not be so selfish.  And that is what it is my dear girl.  He thinks of himself first.  He puts himself before you.  This is his problem.  This is not your problem and not your fault.  He hides from his mistakes and looks only inside.  If he's looking at himself, then he can't look right at you, and then he doesn't feel as bad.  He does what makes himself happy for the moment instead of picking the right road, the harder road in life.  And you see dear girl, you see how much pain this kind of living puts on those who love him.  He makes his decisions and you are the one that hurts.  You suffer.  He says he misses you and that he understands.  But he doesn't.  He could.  But, he won't. He won't put himself in your shoes because he doesn't want to own the hurt he's caused.  And he doesn't want to work to fix it.  He doesn't want to because it is not easy.  Please know that this weakness is his shortcoming and not your own.
You will see it one day.  And you will be mad.  You will be even madder than you are now.  You will be mad at the man that he isn't.  And you will be mad at the pain he inflicted.  And you will be mad at yourself for loving someone so nearsighted in life.  And this is when you can start to heal dear girl.  You can heal because next you learn to forgive.
You forgive yourself for loving someone that has broken your heart.  You were meant to love him.  You are not wrong for loving him.  And you can learn how to love someone while keeping boundaries with them.  A person doesn't have to be of the best character for you to love them.  But it is important to keep yourself from being so close where there is just hurting and hurting and hurting; you stand away.  You draw a line in the sand and you say, Yes I love you.  I will always love you.  But you can't keep hurting me like this.  Then dear girl, you decide how much distance you need and you keep that distance.  It isn't cold.  It isn't evil.  And he may say that you are the bad one for doing this.  You are not.  You can not change him.  You cannot make him love you selflessly, like he should.  So you love him how you can, without letting it destroy you.
Then you forgive him.  You forgive him for who he is.  You forgive him for not loving you before himself, like a parent should.  You forgive him for not seeing how much you hurt; maybe even if you tell him.  Sometimes the words just can't get thru, I know.  I've tried this too.  You forgive him.  You learn to do this.  And then you find some peace.  I prayed.  I still pray.  So much.  It is easy sometimes to let the anger or the hurt feelings win.  But, your peace is more important.  Your precious, precious heart is more important.
I wish I could save you.  I wish I could shake him and make him see what he is doing.  He is breaking pieces of your heart that he can't ever fix again.  The empty words, the broken promises, the silence, his absence; they are breaking the trust and the reliance that you should be able to have with him.  But it isn't you.  Don't ever believe that it is you.  You see that he chose walking away over standing in life.  And you remember this.  Because you decide who you will become when you grow up.  And you can remember what things in life you should work to fix and what things you should hang on to.  And you will be stronger.
Tonight I will be thankful if you read this and it helps you.  It took me many years, many tears, and many moments by myself trying to keep things straight.  He loves you as much as he can, always know that.  But he is broken.  And he chooses not to fix what is broken.  And that brokenness is breaking you.  But you can heal.  You can see what is broken and you can choose to fix it.  I have so much faith in you, that you can do the things he can't.  I love you so much.  I hope you know that . . always.

No comments:

Post a Comment