Saturday, April 8, 2017

Let It Die

I am a dreamer.  I dream and I hope for the world to be a nice place and the people in it to be loving, caring and kind.
I am a realist.  I understand that this will not happen.  But I hold out a hope that in my corner of the world, maybe things can be a little brighter.  Maybe if I'm patient enough and understanding enough, love can prevail.
I am a fighter.  I fight for the things I believe in; knowing that sometimes the fight is simply standing strong and letting everything else swirl around me.
I am human.  As hard as I try not to, I hurt sometimes.  I remind myself that most things are not intended to destroy my faith.  " Father forgive them for they know not what they do."  It's a truth.  So many people hurt others without knowledge of their actions.  I try to keep this in mind - the unintentional pain caused by selfish and self-centered behavior is just that . . unintentional; because the other person wasn't thinking about me.  Wasn't thinking about how I'd feel or what I care or think or want.  It isn't a flattering thought at all.  But it's a true thought that I learned at an early age in life.  It doesn't make hurt any less.  But I suppose it takes a little sting off.  And it certainly makes the hurt not last as long. . . sometimes.
Tonight a part of my heart is seared . . maybe that's the right word?  Not broken.  It's already been broken.  There's been cracks.  They've been growing larger.  Today it became blatantly obvious that my heart needed some boundaries.  Some people, we are just meant to love from afar.  Some people can't be trusted to care for a heart because their number one concern is themselves . .  and they can't see me when they are looking at themselves so much.
Oh yes, I am loyal too.  That's a problem sometimes.  I am drawing a boundary there also.  Some people we are just meant to love from afar.  Loyalty can be deceiving when it is spent on someone who doesn't appreciate it . . let alone notice it.
Turning one's back is much, much different than stepping away to make a safe boundary from destructive and manipulative behavior.  If the cold is what was felt, it was because the accuser built the ice damn around their heart first.  My heart is still warm.  It is still glowing.  But it is no longer available to you.  I will love from afar.  I will love you for the person that you used to be and the person that you could be in life.  I wish you all good things.  But I no longer ever expect or desire to be a part of them.  Your actions have shown your priorities in life.  And someone who wouldn't allow themselves to be used or support your self-destructive behavior just didn't make the list.
Tonight I am thankful for good memories.  I forgive the bad memories.  But I remember them also.  I have to, because honestly, I really don't have the best track record for concrete boundaries.  Because I am a dreamer.  I hope and dream for things to change.  But I am a realist.  I see they won't.  I've believed things would change too many times and all I've done is put cracks in my heart.  I wish you well.  I want you to have a good and happy life.  But I'm simply not going to be a part of it.

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