I've written and deleted, written and deleted. Sometimes this blog is hard. But that is why this blog is good.
Today I reached out for my son's arm and drew my hand back. I am now a little afraid to touch my own children. This is insane. I wasn't like this last week when I believed that maybe a stranger was involved. Now, knowing it was someone close, it's unsettling to say the least.
I drove my daughter by the place where the people called CPS on me; and I felt like throwing up. I am supposed to go there next week. I may need to cancel. Except I promised my child I'd go; so I'll just go and throw up when no one is looking. I've been nauseous most of today.
I've felt this before. Anxious, depressed, breaking down, and constantly trying to remind myself of who I am. The kids make it easier. They give me a reason to try to be strong.
When I started this blog, I was not in a good spot in life. I was moody and losing hope. I knew I had a lot of good things in life then; but I couldn't feel them. There is a difference between knowing something and feeling something. When I started writing this blog, I went day in and day out feeling bitter and storming. It was not a good place in life; but it was different than now.
I've had days of anxiety and depression. Two really large chapters of my life are shaded by these days. I am working hard not to make this the third of these chapters. So I'm clinging to what has worked for the last six years of this blog - I'm going to be thankful. I can't keep this situation constantly in front of me; it is tearing me apart. So I'm working on keeping my blessings in front of me instead.
Tonight I am thankful for the outpouring of love that has shown up in the middle of this. I am thankful for the people in my life who believe in who I am. I am thankful for my children and my husband who bring meaning to my life. I am thankful that God's hand is in this. He is keeping me safe; this I know. And I am thankful for a chance to go back to my original thoughts when this happened - at first I was praying for whoever did this. I stopped when I learned who it was. But just because it was someone closer to me; that doesn't mean I should take this and hold on to it. No, I will pray. I will give this all to God . . thankfully he is big enough to carry it. And I will pray for these people - I pray that God can work discretion in to their lives and wisdom. And I know I need to pray to be able to forgive this.
I am thankful for the weekend to spend with my family. I think we need to run off somewhere together and just enjoy each other. I am thankful that this week is over because I have had enough of it. I am thankful that in the midst of all this, some of my new business ideas were put in to place this week. I am thankful for baby kittens to snuggle with. And I am thankful for the powerful lesson this blog has taught me over the years, to be thankful . . always and in everything.